Wolphins and Turtle Sex.

Today I knocked one more thing off of my "Epic Things To Accomplish Before World Domination" list. I swam with dolphins. Even cooler, I swam with a Wolphin.
When I heard "Wolphin," I thought "Walrus/Dolphin? Wtf?"

 It was definitely not a walrus/dolphin (pictured above). A Wolphin is actually half False Killer Whale, half Bottlenose Dolphin. Pretty much the Liger of the sea.

...And did I mention, FREAKING ADORABLE?!? Yup. She took me for a bellyride and gave me kisses. Lots of kisses. It was pretty much the hottest makeout session ever, although she smelled like fish.  I said the relationship was moving too fast and I needed to take a break. Annoyed, she moved onto the next adoring tourist.

 The sealife center here on Oahu (where my family and I are currently vacationing) is pretty cool. The only thing that would make it spectacular would be sharks with laser-beams on their heads. I'm determined to own a pool full of them someday, Dr. Evil-style.
Alas, no lethal sharks.
But there was live turtle porn.

I think out of every creature in the animal kingdom, sex must be the most boring for sea turtles. They don't do ANYTHING. I'm pretty sure the male was asleep half the time...reminded me of some old married couple.

Anyway, I hope you're having a good day. If not, Dr. Rachel prescribes a teaspoon of funny. Here's a video. Do not use if you are easily offended.



Have a great day!

Let's Hope For A Second Impression.

The first post is a lot like the first line of a novel; it either draws you in, or you are automatically disinterested.
I think that's bullshit. :)
I honestly have no idea how to start this blog, just as I have no idea how to make a good first impression - either take me or leave me, I guess.
On that note, here are the upsides of continuing to read my blog:
1. The next post will be more interesting.
2. No matter how bad of a day you're having, you can laugh at the fact that I exist, that these things actually happen - I have some major embarrassing stories, let me tell you.
3. Everything here will be 100% true, unless I change a name or two to protect privacy. Now, knowing I'm not completely full of it, see number 2.
4. If you like I Love Lucy, dogs, funny things, expletives, food, air, water, blogs, or anything that is good and fun in this world, you should find SOMETHING relatable over the course of my blog's (hopefully long) life.
5. You'll gain magical powers.

Although VitaMeataVegaBlog is the best thing since toilet paper, it is not for everyone.

Possible Negative Side-Effects of Using VitaMeataVegaBlog:
1. After reading some possibly incredibly stupid misdeeds of mine, your brain cell production may take a plunge. Although, this will be very rare. If more than one person suffers brain damage from my writing, world domination may be closer than I think.
2. If you have no sense of humor, you will be very bored.
3. If you have no grasp of sarcasm, you will be very depressed.
4. VitaMeataVegaBlog should not be used by women who are nursing, pregnant, may become pregnant, have periods, eat chocolate, breathe air, or are women. Everyone knows women can't read.
5. VitaMeataVegaBlog should not be used by men who are men. Everyone knows real men don't read.
6. VitaMeataVegaBlog should not be used by black people. Everyone knows that black people are too sexy to read.
7. VitaMeataVegaBlog should not be used by white people. Everyone knows that white people are too busy eating McDonalds to read.
8. VitaMeataVegaBlog should not be used by humans. Humans should be trying to save their planet instead of reading my brain-farts. Unless they decide to take a break from world-saving and catch up on the latest. ;)

Does VitaMeataVegaBlog sound right for you? Talk to your doctor.
I'm a doctor.
I've watched Dr. Oz a couple of times.
And I say that VitaMeataVegaBlog is just what you need.

Here's a spoonful of bullshit. Have a great day.

p.s...I promise the next post won't suck as badly.